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12 May 2006 @ 10:48 am
 
So I've been getting back in touch with a lot of people this last week. I e-mailed my old high school yearbook teacher who recently had a baby (awww). I got to talk to rose and ross and jules and ann and hachi and jon (h?). It was really great but...

It really reminds me of how awful I was to Allison and Andi.

What do you do when you realize you were never a good peroson?

Thats a tough pill to swollow I tell you.

Thankfully everyone has been suportive on my road to anti-bithchdom. It really is more then I diserve, and speaks to how great my friends really are.

I really don't diserve anything from them, and yet here they are.

I hope one day I am as gracefuly patient as they are.

I'm really trying now.







... I don't want to hurt you anymore....






.... I don't want to hurt anymore....





... HA, selfesh to the last, even when asking for fogiveness. How do you ask someone to forgive you for being slefish? All your doing is asking more from them.
 
 
Current Mood: blankSelfish
 
 
 
Nickolaslostinbanality on May 12th, 2006 03:53 pm (UTC)
Colleen....
Have I ever told you that you're my hero?
The wind beneath my wings.
heh.
billmurrayandme on May 12th, 2006 10:39 pm (UTC)
You were not ALWAYS an awful person. You know that they don't think that either. You guys had good times, a lot of them. It happens to all of us (growing apart). You know that they will always hold a special memory for you, they are both wonderful girls. Chin up and work on your current relationships.

You can't force forgiviness. And in any case I think you are perfectly forgiven, but that doesn't always mean friendship again. That's the really hard pill. Sorry. :( Maybe one day everything will be like the old days for you and myself. I'd love it if aaron came around, but I can't dwell. We can only move on, and try harder next time.
Celestrincelestrin on May 15th, 2006 06:09 pm (UTC)
Thanks Diana you're right. But when I really looked back I could see just the basic selfishness I displayed on a regular basis. Just assuming they would do things for me. I was very pig headed, and they put up with me. I feel really far removed from that now. I think I've become both giving and forgiving, but when I look back, its hard not to think, that even at the height of our friendship, I still didn't diserve them. Does that make sense?
Rose: thornton and garthobsidianmcnight on May 12th, 2006 11:52 pm (UTC)
You weren't always an awful person, I'm sure. You made some mistakes (who hasn't?), you acknowledged them and that's a good first step. Most people don't even make it that far :)
Celestrincelestrin on May 15th, 2006 06:11 pm (UTC)
Thanks Rosey. I guess though that the realization of the scope of ones own selfishness can really be disheartening.
xunder_zenithxxunder_zenithx on May 13th, 2006 10:45 pm (UTC)
I thought we had already established that you are not an aweful person. You never have been and I seriously doubt you ever will be. Besides that I am the aweful person in this freindship and there really isnt enough aweful to go around so being as I hold the title of generally bad person Im hogging it all and there is none for you. So ha! If you dont stop this bad person junk I'm gonna kick you when I get home. Im feeling particularly mean so dont push it. I will see you soony soon soon.
Celestrincelestrin on May 15th, 2006 06:12 pm (UTC)
Well you and I have a compleltly diffrent friendship dynamic. I dunno though, I mean, I guess when I look back at myself in high school I really see how self centered I was and the scale of it is just starting to strike me.
xunder_zenithxxunder_zenithx on May 16th, 2006 11:31 am (UTC)
I hate to tell you this but everyone was selfish then even them that is how teenagers are all over the world. I know I was and still am horribly self centered. Hell we are still selfish. That is the truth about humanity. No one does anything with out some sort of personal motive. I wish you wouldnt get down on yourself like this. One the up side things are starting to move along here. Still no deffinate date though.